Can I be honest for a moment?
For your TL;DR needs, have a depiction of the overall sentiment of this post.
Let me just start by saying that this isn’t me asking for advice.
Let me tack on another disclaimer to the above disclaimer that this isn’t me being rude. I hear your well wishes, your prayers, your assertions that God’s will be done. And I’m not upset when I hear them; they are very appreciated.
Please understand this from my point of view.
Some days, I’m okay and happy. Even though I miss my family, my home, like crazy each and every day, we’re doing good. Seriously—we both have good jobs, we have food in our pantry, a roof over our heads, a warm bed to sleep in, two pups to cuddle, etc, etc.
Some days, most days, I ache.
It seems so easy for everyone else. Yet the countless forums and subreddits I stalk tell me otherwise. I should count my lucky stars I don’t have a need for hormone therapy or IUI or IVF treatments. Yet.
And then I always find myself stuck in the middle, no matter what.
No surprise/accident baby. (“At least you get to plan ahead.”)
No decade-long struggle. (“It could be worse.”)
I know it could be worse because the worst has already happened. I’ve always had the sneaking suspicion that bringing a child into the world was not going to be easy. And it makes me sad-laugh because I’m constantly telling my husband that his negativity exhausts me.
“You know it really drains me sometimes hearing you complain so much about every little thing,” I’ll tell him. And yet this is how I’ve gotten about this whole “trying” thing.
This is what loss has done to me. I can’t be hopeful. I can’t be calm. I can’t relax. I can’t “just stop trying”, that’s the exact opposite of how this works.
I’m hungry to once again feel the joy that stupid little blue line brought me. I’m longing to love our little someone with everything I am. I know it’s selfish of me to want and want and want and want and want and want when so many people have less. But I’m still allowed to be sad.
“If you have sex, you’ll get pregnant,” that’s what we’re told. Who knew making a baby would be this hard?
Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest. It gets lonely all the way over here, especially with matters such as this.
Like I said, most days I’m fine.
But today is October 15th—Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Today, as well as every day, I hold our little Micah in my heart. It’s been nearly three years since my loss and, as you can see, some days it’s okay.
But most days, the ache wins.