The Blessed Mother saved my life
When I was just a month old, I was baptized into the Catholic church. I continued to receive the Holy Sacraments until high school, when I gave confirmation of my faith at 16 years old.
Afterwards? Well, I started dating an atheiest. Of course, I didn’t (and still don’t) care about his beliefs or lack thereof because I love him for who he is. And so naturally, now I’m married to him.
Living apart from my Sunday Mass-going family after high school saw the decline in my trips to church. If I was visiting my parents, I still went out of respect for their wishes, but I groaned because nobody should be up that early on the weekend 🙂
And since I wasn’t constantly being talked to about how I should fear God and put Him above all else, I began to doubt my faith. The Catholic Church is infamous for its pro-life stance, and I strongly believe in bodily autonomy. I could go on and on, but just know that there are many disagreements between the church and I.
But no matter how long my back is turned, something always seems to pull me back. And after I suffered the loss of my pregnancy in 2016, I learned that it’s because someone is watching over me.
Back in January 2016, I had a dream.
I was walking through a gloomy cemetery, a blanket of gray clouds covering the entire sky. There were cracked and broken gravestones strewn all through the grounds. It reminded me of the famous cemetery in New Orleans. I was looking for something, but I wasn’t sure what. I finally came across a large statue of Mary holding baby Jesus, similar to the one above. It was the only thing around that was not destroyed. Then, a tiny white light emerged from the statue and hovered in front of my face. It was very small, about the size of the tip of a needle, but it was bright enough that I could discern it among the dingy setting. It traveled down from in front of my face to my sternum, and it passed through into my heart. I felt nothing until it shot up out of my mouth, and I let out a very heavy, loud gasp. As I did so, my head shot up to look at the sky, and my arms were spread out as far as they could go. The white light now engulfed everything. I could tell someone was in the light, but I couldn’t see them. And then I heard the most beautiful sound I’ve heard in my life. A woman’s voice came from the light in the sky. “I am always with you,” she said. And when I heard those words, tears instantly streamed down my cheeks, and I felt all the love in the universe flowing through me. I can’t begin to describe just how joyous and loved I felt.
And then I woke up. But I woke up in that cheesy movie way when the character has a nightmare. I woke up gasping, much like I did in the dream when the light shot up out of my mouth. As soon as I sat up in bed, the only thought in my mind was to take a pregnancy test.
And so I did, and previous experience was telling me that it was going to be negative. But my heart knew that this time was different. And then I did gaze upon the most beautiful sight—the faintest blue line crossing another blue line. The feeling that rushed over me is the closest thing I have experienced to what happened to me when I heard that voice in my dream.
Of course my pregnancy wouldn’t last much longer. After my ultrasound, where they couldn’t find the gestational sac in my uterus and they told me that my levels weren’t where they should be, I went to Mass. I prayed harder than I’ve ever prayed in my life. I begged Mary to watch over my baby. I begged her to watch over me and to help my body be strong.
That night was my first trip to the ER, where they discovered that my pregnancy was ectopic.
I’ve posted about my experience before, and as is with loss, I suffered the five stages of grief. I denied that my pregnancy was abnormal; I was angry at my body for letting it develop this way; I bargained, hoping desperately that I would fall pregnant after the methotrexate wore off safely; severe depression clouded over me for the next year, and it still does sometimes.
It took a while for me to grasp acceptance. I was thankful to avoid tubal rupture and come out with both tubes intact, because there are others who experienced tubal pregnancies who weren’t as fortunate. Some died as a result.
And I was confused. I know that prayer isn’t transactional in nature, but at the time I was hurt that God had not saved my baby. But I was thankful to the Lord and his Blessed Mother for watching over me. After everything I experienced, I knew that the voice I heard in my dream was that of Mary. She knew that everything that would happen to me after the dream would be the most difficult time of my life, and she wanted me to know that she is always with me. I have no other explanation.
I’ve held on to this dream, certain that Mary will come to me when I finally become pregnant again. Instead, I saw, felt, and sensed her presence in other ways.
A couple of months before my grandmother passed away last year, I was visiting my best friend Amber. I confided in her my constant dread that my grandma wasn’t going to be around forever. I told her that it was all I could think about, and how I was worried that I wouldn’t see her again after moving to Florida. As we were having this conversation, we were walking to her car, and I suddenly remembered that she had mentioned a community garden at her apartment complex. I really wanted to see it so I asked that she show me. I continued expressing my concerns with her as we walked to the garden, and when we got there I had my breath stolen from me.
There in the garden sitting under a little tree was a small statue of la Virgen de Guadalupe. Seeing her reminded me that she is always with me. And so when my grandmother passed away, and I was four states away, sobbing in bed alone, I knew I wasn’t truly alone. I could feel them both with me, because my grandma loved her Blessed Mother so much, and she loved me.
And so instead of only expecting to see her when I become pregnant, I know better. I know that when I need her most, she will be there. She told me herself that she is always with me.