Elation to Grief: The Story of My First Pregnancy
2/5/2016 On Wednesday, January 20th, 2016 at around 6:15 in the morning, I found out that I was pregnant. Was that vertical blue line actually there?? Was that REALLY a positive pregnancy test I had just rested my tired eyes on? My heart leapt out of my body, my knees gave and I sank to the ground, and I erupted into the happiest tears I have ever cried. Three years ago, I was worried that my body was just so messed up that I would be cursed with infertility for the rest of my childbearing years, and I would never get to look into the eyes of my beloved children. That affirming pee-stick on my bathroom sink was telling me that in less than a year, I would be a mother. I would finally be who I know in my heart I was always meant to be. In those few seconds, I thought of the rest of my pregnancy, giving birth, cradling someone that looks like me and the love of my life in my arms and never ever letting go. How did Anthony react? Well, let me just say that when I imagined telling my beloved that he would be a father, I had all these cute scenarios planned. But in the heat of the moment, I weepily asked him not to be scared before I presented him with the positive test. He pulled me in as I began to cry again, and said, “We’re going to be okay.” I knew he was scared anyway. But he also knew what this meant for me and for us, so I’m glad that he tried to show me that he was happy. This is one of the endless reasons I love him. So, I resolved to tell my parents as soon as possible. I knew that they wouldn’t be too upset and I wanted to have them for support. Telling his parents would have to wait because we thought they would be a little upset before they could be happy, so we decided to wait until we got pictures from our first ultrasound. Either way it would be a long time before we saw them next. My estimated due date would be September 23, which is my mom’s birthday and the day after my future mother-in-law’s birthday. I whipped up a cute little design on the computer and made this adorable onesie. I’d present my parents with this and the pregnancy test, and his parents would get the onesie with ultrasound pictures. I went over to my parents’ house that weekend. Before I got there, I wanted to pick up a few more pregnancy tests to see if the line would get darker. I’m a very anxious person and I figured that if they got darker, my mind would be put at ease. So (TMI warning) I went to the restroom before I picked up the tests, and when I wiped, there was a good amount of bright red blood. I instantly panicked. Now, I had been spotting brown since the day before I found out, which I figured was normal, but still. I called my best friend (who bled plenty of times when she was pregnant only to give birth to a beautiful, healthy girl) for reassurance. She did her best to calm me down and told me that it was probably just my body getting rid of the last of my old blood. The whole day, I was confident and excited to tell my parents. When my dad answered the door? Not so much. My heart raced as I asked my mom to join my dad in the study. I shakily handed her a small, purple gift bag and told her, “Anthony and I got you an early birthday present.” My mom replied, “Birthday?????” My dad added, “Why so early??” I asked her to open the larger bundle in the bag. She unwrapped it to reveal the little onesie, and as she read it, she started squealing and crying and she showed my dad what it said. “You’re gonna be a grandma?” he laughed as he stood to hug me. My mom opened the smaller bundle, which had the test in it, so she continued to squeal and they both huddled around me while I cried. I shared my concerns about the bleeding with them and they, of course, told me not to stress. This was easier said than done since the bleeding didn’t really stop that weekend. It was never strong enough to be a flow, and it only showed up when I wiped. Otherwise, I spotted brown for most of that weekend. When I got back home, I managed to get an appointment scheduled for Monday. I had an ultrasound and blood work done. The ultrasound absolutely shattered me. The doctor couldn’t find anything in my uterus, and only found my cyst in my tube and another cyst in my ovary. They insisted that I was probably too early and the embryo would be way too little to see if it had even formed yet. I went home and cried for the rest of the day. I cried harder when I got a call saying that my levels put me at around 2-3 weeks, because that just didn’t make any sense to me. I was sure I was miscarrying at this point, which my doctor said I should be prepared to deal with. Two days later, I got more blood drawn and I got happier news back: my levels were going up, but not as much as they would have liked. I had another ultrasound and more blood work scheduled for the following Monday. I didn’t make it to then. Sunday night, Jan. 31, I had the most severe cramps I had ever had in my entire life. It got to the point where I couldn’t get comfortable no matter what I did. I felt extremely bloated, and when I walked, I couldn’t put weight on my right
